Monday, August 22, 2016

Maternity Clothes Shopping for the First Timer

This past weekend I decided to embark on a new adventure - maternity clothes shopping... And I came to one conclusion: maternity clothes shopping is an evil little scheme. It can either make you feel gloriously skinny or like a beached whale. Rich but poor. Pick your poison based on where you go and what you try on. Check your ego in at the door for an emotional and physical rollercoaster ride.

  1. “Hello, skinny and sexy pregnant lady.” Pants. Full panel, side panel, inset panel. Which do you choose? You find a store to try them on at and drive there in excitement (this IS a rarity). So, you wander to the hidden, unlabeled corner of the store, where you find the maternity section. PANTS! You begin to dig through all the piles - too many to count (because why would the maternity area be neatly kept?). You grab different styles in at least two sizes (if they have any or something close to what you normally would squeeze into). And finally, you head on over to the fitting room. Fitting room lady looks at you like you’ve grown a 2nd head as she tries to see you through the pile of clothes in your arms. You deal with the debacle of “counting” how many items you have, and you turn red (you look a little too eager and excited about this shopping experience). Somehow, you survive and move into a tiny, overheated “room.” You begin to pull the jeans on and try to assess what panel, size, and/or style is right for you. You break a sweat. And then you start realizing, the sizing is out of whack. Some don’t fit, but the ones you like the fit for… are all a size or two SMALLER than normal. Hey now! You’re starting to feel pretty good. They even kind of fall off your butt (and after you buy them, they’re at your knees after two steps, of course). So, you’re feeling pretty good about yourself. Hello sexy mama – you’re not that fat (yet). You walk out to show your husband (who’s bored out of his mind). He approves. So you select some to buy and hesitantly, proceed. You’re a bit confused because you don’t know if you are buying the right size. What if you can’t fit into them in like two months? Because who are you kidding, you’re growing a bowling ball. You begin to have anxiety that buying smaller sizes is like begging to turn INTO a beached whale that you just realized, you’re not quite yet. And then the ego kicks in again, and hey – how can bad can it be if you’re fitting in smaller sizes? Look at how cute my butt looks (despite the rolls on my stomach that are supposedly a baby)! You’re looking good mama – you will look pregnant instead of 10 pounds overweight.
  2.  “Warning: Beached whale ahead.” During the fitness routine called buying maternity clothes, you also have decided to try on tops. So, as you pull up the full panel pants to right underneath your boobs (which you realize is the most comfortable), you pull at one of the 10 tops you grabbed. And as you put your arms through and start shimmying the “shirt” down your upper half, the smaller pant size afterglow disappears as quickly as that frozen yogurt you inhaled the night before (and that you were hoping for as a treat later). You are trying to squeeze into a shirt that is “your size,” but you wouldn’t have squeezed into if you were 10 pounds thinner, pre-pregnancy. You look up in the mirror, and all you see are three misshapen lumps. You stare in amazement at how bad you look.  You’re having a baby, right? Because right now, you swear you look like you’ve put on a fat suit. Whoa. So you grab at another shirt, bigger size – phew! You don’t look bad, now it looks like you're pregnant, but this shirt isn’t going to last long. What the hell are you going to wear when you’re almost full term – e.g. *10* months pregnant? So, you sigh and waddle out to show your loving husband your potential new top – staring him down to make sure he only compliments you on your new “look.”
  3. “Hello bankruptcy.” Maternity clothing pricing can eat through your savings in one credit card swipe to buy… 4 items… that you begrudgingly purchase because what else are you gonna wear? You have to wear something for some of these next several days, weeks, and/or months – depending on how big you get, which you really have no idea to predict, because… Every pregnancy is different! And if you get bigger, you just go back and buy more, right? Money well spent. And heaven forbid, you want to get something that is "nicer" than Target or Walmart. You have to take out a second mortgage because a pair of nice designer maternity jeans costs more than 2 normal pairs of jeans. (And yes - I ventured into the "designer" world.)
  4.  “Good luck finding decent looking maternity clothes.” There are only like 5 stores that sell maternity clothes. Annnndddd best of luck finding the ones that carry maternity clothes IN STORE and IN STOCK! Because why would you want to try something on before you buy it? It has to be a marketing scheme. Maybe all these stores think that expecting ladies don’t sleep at night, so while housing a bag of chips or ice cream in the middle of the night, they're shopping online to feel better about themselves. They order online, and ta da, you didn’t even have to waddle to the store to get it. The stores are doing the pregnant ladies a favor! But of course, the “cute” outfit arrives, pregnant mama barely remembering she ordered it, and now, we encounter the sizing mess of before or worse, making THE decision. There’s this fine line to draw when you get into wearing maternity clothes – do you try to look cute or just find coverings for your 3-4 lumps on a log? What you’re buying isn't going to be flattering for long more than likely, if it even fits right now. And of course, if you order it online and decide to not keep it, you must return by mail. Waddling not avoided.