Remembering...

Sometimes you look at something and you remember a moment, a memory, or someone. I have always believed that although my grandmother is no longer with us, she is with me. That’s how I coped with her death years ago. I couldn’t believe she was just – gone. So, I have always believed that her death was never an end. Every day, even though I may not see her, she’s there to watch over me. She’s my guardian angel. I admit I occasionally even talk to her – asking her for guidance, for help, for understanding. (Ya, it sounds weird but it’s true.)

My grandmother was this gentle, calm woman. She was remarkable in her patience and ability to understand people inherently. She knew all about me before I even did. I think back at it now, and I remember so many moments when I knew she was proud of me just by her look. She still shows me that and gives me strength when I’m not sure of myself. Maybe it’s corny (or weird), but shortly after her death, I realized that when I see a blue jay – that’s her. That’s her way of showing herself to me. Blue jays appear randomly – when I would least expect it. For example, recently I’ve found that when I’m exhausted and tired at the end of some training run? I see blue jays. She’s there – pushing me, helping me, making me believe that I can keep going.

I miss her terribly at times – as I do today. I wish I had been able to see her more before she’d passed. I wish that I could fly over to Warsaw at this moment and just be with her. I always knew she understood why she hadn’t seen me in almost 2 years – I was just living my life and that’s what she wanted. But today, I just wish I could see her once more… and share some laughs about something silly or mundane – because she’d find amusement in it with me. I miss her – even after 7 years.

The Right Balance?

No one ever wants to admit that they take something for granted. No one likes to be taken for granted. Reality? We all take things for granted. We are all taken for granted at some point. We’re all guilty – and it’s just something to think about... and how does that impact your life or actions.

I know I have moments in my life when I feel overwhelmed. I care about everyone – I want everyone to be “happy.” I always want to be available to everyone to listen, comfort, help, support or do whatever it takes to *be there* – this is my caretaker mode. I’m often that go-to person for many – or I’d like to believe that I am. But then there is the opposite side when I sometimes just want to take care of *me,* and not have to worry about everyone else. I feel drained and need to go into repair or maintenance – this is me mode. I pull, push, stand my ground, and isolate. I make fun of myself for becoming somewhat of a hermit.   

It’s all a cycle though… I suddenly wake up out of me mode and feel horribly guilty and dive right back into caretaker mode. I woke up recently and realized – goodness – I’ve been in me mode a lot lately. I felt guilty. Add to that this feeling that I wonder how much I’ve taken for granted so many people around me that I care for dearly, who in the last year or so, have taken care of me. I felt even worse.

However, upon some reflection, there’s a lesson in it for me – for all. Sometimes, life is a give and take. I can’t always give, and I can’t always take. There’s a balance, and sometimes our lives force us to be off balance. What’s important to me is that I recognize that I love so many of those near and dear, and I hope that they know that I’m still here – even when sometimes I have to take a time-out.