Sunday, September 25, 2011

Warszawa – here I come again!

So for those that don’t know – I’m Polish. :) My parents are both from Warsaw, came here in 1981, and ended up settling because of various circumstances – including me, job and then my brother. My Polish heritage – upbringing, language, customs, history, etc – are a very important part of my life. It’s something that I identify with daily.

Most of my family still lives in Warsaw, including grandpa, uncles, aunts, cousins and their families, and lots of other family (that I honestly can’t keep track of). I do have family in the States, but not a lot. In NYC, I have my mom’s sister and husband plus some distant cousins in the Detroit area. We have family in other places too… distant cousins in the UK and South Africa… a second cousin in Australia… I think that covers it?

I have made it a point in the last 7 years (since my grandmother passed) that I make a trip every calendar year to get out to Warsaw and see people. It’s a bit more difficult and expensive for any of them to come to the US because of visas and such, so we all go there… as frequently as we can. I have cousins who now have adorable kids too, and they can’t forget that they have an aunt!!! Oh – let me explain that for a second. Since there are really only 5 of us at our generation – me being the only girl I might add – we all call each other brothers and sister. So, Bruno and Filip are my nephews. Bruno is now almost 3.5, and Filip is almost 14 months. Since last year I was in Poland in July, I haven’t met Filip yet. I’m super excited to hug, play, and tickle the little one!!!

So, long story short – I’m going in just a little over a month!!! My mom and I are going to make a little trip through Prague on our way back to the States as well, so it’s going to be a little bit of extra fun.

Going back is such a weird feeling. It’s like I’m going back to my motherland, although I was born here. I’m excited and overwhelmed all at once every time. I have so much fun going, getting back into the language, the culture, and seeing my family. At the same time, every one of my trips seems to bring about a lot of drama. You have however many months of their family life to catch up on (this time it’ll be 14 months). Trust me, when you’re jet lagged and after a couple of mulled wines (yum!!!), it gets a bit overwhelming. The whole experience makes you realize that even though you live half way around the world, these people are your family, and I identify with them so much.

Either way, I’m already getting ready. You have to plan a lot of things – where to stay, who to see, time for different family, taking care of some random errands (like trying to get my papers in order to get my Euro passport finally), etc. The only thing I need to figure out for our trip is the hotel that we will stay at in Prague. I bought a cell phone for myself to use out there – that was a feat after years of using my parent’s phone. Finally. I bought a brand new camera that I’m SO excited about. Canon 510 PowerShot Elph with 12.1 megapixels, 12x zoom, full HD… Oh and I have a new winter coat… 

I’m so ready to go even though I know my time there will pass quickly. I’m also looking forward to some time off… But in the mean time, I’ll keep planning and getting more excited. :)

Friday, September 9, 2011

Top 10 Moments for This Week (09/09/2011)

I came up with the idea for this post subject because 1) It'll be fun 2) I'll post more (or so I hope).

10. Enjoying a 4 day weekend that helped me feel very rested. We need more 3 day weekends on the books.

9. Eating pumpkin cream cheese on my bagel from Einstein's. Yummmmm

8. Spending time with my mama.

7. Attending the first Longhorn game of the season. \m/

6. Cooking ratatouille for the first time in my new pot. Yum yum yum...

5. Cuddling with Charlie... she's my furry, fluffy princess, who kisses me on the nose. Too cute.

4. Setting new workout goals & realizing I can still run 6 miles... maybe that half marathon in a month won't be so awful?

3. Planning my trip to Europe this fall - Warsaw and Prague for 2 weeks! WOOHOO! 

2. Feeling lucky all week that I don't have to come home to ashes - I still have my home and all my stuff.

1. Loving the weather - the "chill" in the air in the mornings and evenings makes me look forward to fall and the holidays!

Monday, August 22, 2011

That whole aging thing...

I warn all readers now – some of you may roll your eyes at me, or shake your heads, or mutter something under your breath (“Seriously?”). The title may have elicited that reaction already.
But some of you may laugh or smile too… So, here we go. J
Okay – so my birthday is Thursday – and I’m turning the grand ole age of *twenty*-*nine*. 29. I’m officially a Leo-Virgo in many more ways than one, and of course, there’s been some logical and emotional struggling for me to cope with embarking on my last year of my twenties… before I hit the ungodly age of 30. I’m not EVEN going to go there. (I predict a mid-life crisis at this time next year – or rather – an expensive trip to Italy to satisfy my craving to do something “crazy.”)
Many of my girlfriends laugh at me for fearing my age. 26. 27. 28. 29… Keeps creeping up, doesn’t it? But, let me start with this:
If you’d asked me where I’d be today about 10 years ago (could be farther back than that but 10 seems like a nice, round number), I would have said, “Married. Parent with one kid and another kid planned/on its way. A career woman… either a lawyer or a teacher, after getting my Masters.”
Whoa – what the heck happened?! I’m not married, nor a parent, nor a lawyer, nor a teacher.  None of those. Nothing what I expected or predicted. Hmph.
So, what did happen? Well – my life – duh. But sometimes I forget how I got here… and I fear that time is slipping away… Am I ever going to get married? Am I really going to have kids in my 30s? Am I ever going to be able to work as a teacher (still something I want to do when I have additional income to support me)? Am I going to go back to school (with the associated looming question of what the hell would I study)? Gah – question after question to remind me that I’m still nowhere near where I thought I’d be.
This is where all those aforementioned girlfriends quickly chime in… some of course annoyed of the constant reminding. They have to remind me that I wouldn’t be me… and hey look at how much I have seen, experienced, gained, learned, accomplished, etc.
They’re right – I wouldn’t give it up for the world. I could have been married or had kids too early (too early for me, no insults to anyone here)… but that would have been a HUGE mistake for me. Instead of becoming a lawyer or a teacher, I have a career at a rather huge consulting company doing work that is related to public policy (that part I do like about my job, just not all of the nitty gritty). I’m an independent young woman – setting goals for myself all the time (personal and career), learning new things, and just living my life the way I want to… selfishly for now because, well, I can.
I do appreciate my life. I’m happy that this is the course I’ve taken. Things happen for a reason, and I do believe in that. People live long in my family, so I likely have a very long life ahead. So, instead of dwelling on the number, how about I celebrate the 29 years I have been around and throw my worries away?
Sounds like a plan… except realistically, I’ll probably still complain I’m getting old J. Some things just don’t change.
BUT, I will recognize that my life isn’t about a silly plan that I made up when I had no clue what I was talking about…when I was young and unknowing. No – it’s about me and recognizing that being me now is the best thing I could give myself every year for my birthday.

Friday, August 12, 2011

When does age make a difference?

It’s a question that I’m tossing around in my head, and I haven’t come to a clear conclusion.
My birthday is in two weeks. I love my birthday – always have. From what my parents tell me and from what I remember, I use to plan birthdays months in advance. What presents I wanted (and expected), what I wanted to do… And as much as I tread getting older, what can I say – I like to take advantage of celebrating a day that’s all about my existence.
But I digress… ;-)
The point of this post is actually not about my birthday, although it is what triggered the reason for me to write this post.
I’m dating someone older – 13 years, 4 months older to be more precise. What I can’t get over is how many people comment on the age difference. The age difference is almost taboo for some people. I don’t get it. Why does it matter? If two people are happy together and the relationship works, then why does it matter? I mean – there are instances that it’s obviously WRONG, but I’m saying – I’m happy, he’s happy… why is 13 so much bigger than 1, 5, or 10? Seriously?
Age makes a difference in our lives, but where do we draw the line? Age makes a difference in your mental and physical capacity. However, my 91 year old grandfather proves every waking day that he’s still sharp and witty. Age makes a difference in experiences and wisdom, but it’s not the same for every person. Some people have kids earlier in life, and some people have kids later in life.
In a relationship though, does it make a difference? Age makes a difference in the circumstances and experiences of the relationship. But, does that have to be a deal breaker? And why do people point it out as if it is?
When it comes to the actual relationship, age doesn’t have to make a difference. And for me, it doesn’t. I don’t even realize he’s older than me until someone points it out. Sometimes we joke about it … especially when I stare at him blankly when he makes a reference to a movie in the 80s that well… came out the year I was born.
I’m analytical. I want to draw a line, but it’s a bit tricky. I guess ultimately, it’s a personal thing. And I choose that here, age will not make a difference for me.

Tuesday, June 14, 2011

The rattles in the closet...

Here’s question that came to mind today: How often does your past meet your past, present and future?
What I mean is – how often do you past experiences (your skeletons) impact your life – whether they have, they are, or they will?
We all have skeletons – those bad experiences and memories that haunt us. I’m the first to admit that there are many things that have shaped who I am now that change how I think or act. Sometimes, those changes are for the good but sometimes, they are not.
I’m a worry wart by nature. Seriously – I really am!
HA – we know that’s the understatement of the year. ;-)
I worry about everyone especially. I want everyone to be happy. Sounds silly doesn’t it? But really, I just don’t want anything bad to happen. I want to protect my family and my friends from those evils, including the evils they bring upon themselves. I’m the first to admit that I’m not perfect – I make mistakes and I don’t always do what I should. I try my best, and I know sometimes it’s not enough. And sometimes it all just comes out wrong – I think a few friendships have suffered from that… but I always mean well.
Well, the fact is that sometimes I have a hard time dealing with the worries about my own life, my own doings, my own feelings, or worse – my own future. Sometimes, you have to have faith that history won’t repeat itself. It’s finding that faith that is the biggest challenge – at least for me. Being able to sort out the emotions and facts logically and figuring out what exactly it is that I’m worried about is the challenge. It’s much easier to believe in what’s proven rather than in the unknown. The saying “take leap of faith” didn’t come from just anywhere, right?
(On a side note – why is that whenever I’m writing my blogs, so many cliché sayings come to my mind that I have to use?)
So the other part that I thought of is what is that pushes us to take that leap? What drives each of us to have that faith, when maybe you’re unsure, worried, and/or scared? No matter how you find that faith – it comes from somewhere. There are many points in our lives that we make choices – as kids, adults, parents, grandparents… and how much are those choices impacted by our past and/or by our faith?

Saturday, May 14, 2011

Hitting Pause

As the saying goes, sometimes you have to stop and smell the flowers. We all get caught up in what’s constantly going on, that we forget to actually DO IT. I consider myself fortunate because that’s exactly what I got to do this week. I put my regular life on hold to do something I knew I needed to do – take care of my family. Family First. I have never done it before – not like this at least – but it was instinctive. And in the process, I came to a realization.
Every day, I have my routine. I get up, workout, make coffee, eat breakfast, make my lunch, feed my cat, drive to work, work, eat lunch, work, run an errand or two, go home, feed my cat, make dinner, and then try to squeeze in something like reading, watching TV, or spending time with friends and loved ones – then, REPEAT. There are many days or even weeks that I have resented it. There just aren’t enough hours in the day quite frankly. Don’t we all know it?
Rarely do I get the chance to push pause abruptly and leave my regularly scheduled program to do something else that is equally very important. But I did, and I’m thrilled that I did. I’m smiling ear to ear now. In just a few days of taking care of my loved ones, I was able to re-think life – how it is filled with many wonderful things and people. I have a new appreciation for my routines and relish that my daily duties are what keeps me going on an amazing path that I’ve set for myself. I got to take in my life as a whole and realize that the little things don’t matter individually; however, together they compromise my life, and it’s what I choose to put there.  
One last thought to leave you with. If I need to do this – the pause on my daily life – a little more often to remember what’s important, where does that leave everyone else? I hope that we all can someday soon hit pause (perhaps together?) and take a second to look around. We can remember that the daily stuff that bogs us down is exactly what keeps us going. If you don’t like something, then change it, but take a second – seriously, a second won’t hurt – look around and take your life in. Isn’t it amazing?

Thursday, April 14, 2011

Women in the Workplace…..

A both common and uncommon topic in today’s working world is how women behave towards each other. It’s a pink elephant in this day and age, and boy do I love pointing out the pink elephants! They’re just so cute! :-P
The longer I work in the corporate world, the more I begin to see the true colors come out from every woman around me. At any level, you can see some evidence of it from every direction. I’ve seen friends thrown under the bus; I’ve been thrown under the bus. I’m sure that at times, I may be guilty of it myself. I want to make sure though that I clarify that I am really only talking about women vs. women.
But the root of my thoughts is this: why do we women do this? History builds the foundation of where we are. The history of women in the workforce dates back centuries but only made a mark to the early 1900s. The time span of both World Wars was when women really came out of their prescribed roles. Women’s place in society prior to that was to be homemakers, a full time job that was respected in many ways but definitely disrespected legally and socially. If you think about it, women ran entire households – we had to manage much more than just one person or one job. We fought for our rights – we emerged strong and prominent.
Yet, now we’re in, what I consider, a weird time. A redefining moment, if you may. 
There are so many debates out there: women starting families later in life, working women having children with demanding careers, women opting to not have children, women being more successful than men, women as single parents, and countless others.  I can’t speak to some of these debates, but I do try to learn from them. It helps me make some decisions or define my wants for my own future. Even if I don’t have my own family, I know that eventually when I do (hope I do?), I don’t want to be completely bogged down with my career but I can’t imagine a full time homemaker either. I’ll have to figure out a middle ground.
Women fight for their careers – we become combative to make a name for ourselves. Our jobs and/or careers (depending on how you look at), become our babies.  In my own company, statistics are mixed on how women fair out in the long run as leaders. Depends on your perspective really… Either way, it’s a tough road. We’re can be more emotional, but we have proven to be much more successful than men in many different situations. Note, I’m not saying better or that’s true all the time. Just that we have surpassed the stereotypes that were assigned to us for centuries.
So why, at times when we should prove to be effective workers or leaders, do we resort to childish behavior? I can’t really speak for others, so I thought about my own actions. How have I reacted at times that could be perceived as childish behavior? Here’s what I think that it comes down to. I think many women are so focused on making something of themselves, something happens to the self-orientation that typically grounds women to think of others. I am constantly amazed at the threats, real or fictitious.  It fascinates me because it results in some interesting events, rumors, and consequences. The pink elephant is there, but I’m not sure why?

Saturday, March 19, 2011

Reflections of a Newbie Marathoner

Last month, I ran my first full marathon. I tried to collect my thoughts to share with others, but it’s taken me this long to find a time to squeeze out a blog. There are so many emotions and thoughts to collect, that it took some time and reflection. Even as I write this, I have to think about how to make it all coherent. Here we go – 

Part 1: The Run

I will start off with this: It was without any doubt, an amazing experience – and not the least bit what I thought it would be. The more time passes, I confirm my belief that it was the hardest thing I’ve ever done in my life. 
Growing up, I was one of those kids who wasn’t involved in sports. I played a little tennis but gave that up after middle school. I didn’t want to be part of the jock crowd that was associated with playing sports (no offense to anyone – but that’s how I perceived it). All throughout college, I would hear about my friends’ runs – their ability to just get up and go. I was jealous, but I truly believed I could never do that. I just wasn’t a runner. 

Then, two years ago – almost to the day of this marathon – I watched my best friend finish her first full marathon. I was amazed. She had decided to run it one night – and she did!!! I had toyed with training to run a race for over a year, and seeing her cross that finish line for a marathon was inspiring. If she could do 26.2 miles, I figured I could run 6.2. So, I signed up for my first 10K race, and tada – I DID IT.

Well, many miles, runs, and races later, I came to the start line last week to run 26.2 miles. As I started running, I was floored. All the months of training, running, planning, talking, coordination, and here I was. I was doing it. 

Part 2: The Challenge

The run was not that great – in itself. My best friend and I had some great training runs, and it quickly became obvious, this run was going to be much harder. I finished the marathon – yes. However, I will not lie that I was disappointed in our time. Most of all? I felt like I let my best friend down because I know we finished far slower than even what she predicted. I had stomach issues for maybe the second time in my life. My left hip, for the first time in a long time, flared up more than any other injury I thought I would “run” into (pun intended?). I struggled to push through the pain.

The hardest part of all? The mental aspect of it. I keep laughing/’;=- at myself because I was literally a basket case. I was just overwhelmed, anxious, and amazed. So many people – running or cheering – all here for this race.  The spectators along the route – whether it was my family, friends, or random strangers – took my breath away, literally. I was afraid of not finishing but determined. It was a constant struggle with myself. 

It was like that until mile 26 – the struggle, the pain, the amazement that was I doing it. Then, suddenly I realized I had 0.2 miles left. And just around one corner, I was going to see that finish line – the one I had been anticipating for over 3 months, for 26 miles, for 6 long hours. That’s the moment that I don’t think I’ll ever forget. I gunned it. And when I finished? I was in tears, beside myself that I had finally made it. I did what no one in my family had done. I did it with the support of so many – and it was a memory that is embedded in my memory.  

And to close this post with a final thought. To my best friend. You are amazing. Your strength, grace, ability to do anything you put your mind to (it was her fourth marathon) – all of this with so many others things inspires me and many others. I hope you know that without you – I would never have done this. Thank you. I wouldn’t have run my first marathon with anyone else.

Saturday, January 22, 2011

Remembering...

Sometimes you look at something and you remember a moment, a memory, or someone. I have always believed that although my grandmother is no longer with us, she is with me. That’s how I coped with her death years ago. I couldn’t believe she was just – gone. So, I have always believed that her death was never an end. Every day, even though I may not see her, she’s there to watch over me. She’s my guardian angel. I admit I occasionally even talk to her – asking her for guidance, for help, for understanding. (Ya, it sounds weird but it’s true.)
My grandmother was this gentle, calm woman. She was remarkable in her patience and ability to understand people inherently. She knew all about me before I even did. I think back at it now, and I remember so many moments when I knew she was proud of me just by her look. She still shows me that and gives me strength when I’m not sure of myself. Maybe it’s corny (or weird), but shortly after her death, I realized that when I see a blue jay – that’s her. That’s her way of showing herself to me. Blue jays appear randomly – when I would least expect it. For example, recently I’ve found that when I’m exhausted and tired at the end of some training run? I see blue jays. She’s there – pushing me, helping me, making me believe that I can keep going.
I miss her terribly at times – as I do today. I wish I had been able to see her more before she’d passed. I wish that I could fly over to Warsaw at this moment and just be with her. I always knew she understood why she hadn’t seen me in almost 2 years – I was just living my life and that’s what she wanted. But today, I just wish I could see her once more… and share some laughs about something silly or mundane – because she’d find amusement in it with me. I miss her – even after 7 years.

Saturday, January 15, 2011

The Right Balance?

No one ever wants to admit that they take something for granted. No one likes to be taken for granted. Reality? We all take things for granted. We are all taken for granted at some point. We’re all guilty – and it’s just something to think about... and how does that impact your life or actions.
I know I have moments in my life when I feel overwhelmed. I care about everyone – I want everyone to be “happy.” I always want to be available to everyone to listen, comfort, help, support or do whatever it takes to *be there* – this is my caretaker mode. I’m often that go-to person for many – or I’d like to believe that I am. But then there is the opposite side when I sometimes just want to take care of *me,* and not have to worry about everyone else. I feel drained and need to go into repair or maintenance – this is me mode. I pull, push, stand my ground, and isolate. I make fun of myself for becoming somewhat of a hermit.   
It’s all a cycle though… I suddenly wake up out of me mode and feel horribly guilty and dive right back into caretaker mode. I woke up recently and realized – goodness – I’ve been in me mode a lot lately. I felt guilty. Add to that this feeling that I wonder how much I’ve taken for granted so many people around me that I care for dearly, who in the last year or so, have taken care of me. I felt even worse.
However, upon some reflection, there’s a lesson in it for me – for all. Sometimes, life is a give and take. I can’t always give, and I can’t always take. There’s a balance, and sometimes our lives force us to be off balance. What’s important to me is that I recognize that I love so many of those near and dear, and I hope that they know that I’m still here – even when sometimes I have to take a time-out.