Sometimes you look at something and you remember a moment, a memory, or someone. I have always believed that although my grandmother is no longer with us, she is with me. That’s how I coped with her death years ago. I couldn’t believe she was just – gone. So, I have always believed that her death was never an end. Every day, even though I may not see her, she’s there to watch over me. She’s my guardian angel. I admit I occasionally even talk to her – asking her for guidance, for help, for understanding. (Ya, it sounds weird but it’s true.)
My grandmother was this gentle, calm woman. She was remarkable in her patience and ability to understand people inherently. She knew all about me before I even did. I think back at it now, and I remember so many moments when I knew she was proud of me just by her look. She still shows me that and gives me strength when I’m not sure of myself. Maybe it’s corny (or weird), but shortly after her death, I realized that when I see a blue jay – that’s her. That’s her way of showing herself to me. Blue jays appear randomly – when I would least expect it. For example, recently I’ve found that when I’m exhausted and tired at the end of some training run? I see blue jays. She’s there – pushing me, helping me, making me believe that I can keep going.
I miss her terribly at times – as I do today. I wish I had been able to see her more before she’d passed. I wish that I could fly over to Warsaw at this moment and just be with her. I always knew she understood why she hadn’t seen me in almost 2 years – I was just living my life and that’s what she wanted. But today, I just wish I could see her once more… and share some laughs about something silly or mundane – because she’d find amusement in it with me. I miss her – even after 7 years.
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